What are you doing?
Oh, I like to fill up each little waffle hole
with syrup.
[LAUGHS]
Really?
This is gonna be happening for the rest of our lives?
Well, how do you do it?
Ha. You missed three holes.
Hey, you guys.
Two coffees to go, please.
Hey, Adam, I'm heading downtown
to a sports apparel warehouse.
A buddy of mine works there, and he hooks me up.
You got any requests?
I could use a new hooded sweatshirt.
You got it.
Might be slightly irregular.
Slightly. Yeah.
The last t-shirt you got from that guy gave you a rash.
We don't know it was the t-shirt.
I was in several hot tubs that week.
See you guys later.
Hey, what's up, Kong?
Whatever it is that makes you feel safe enough
to call me names like that...
shouldn't.
Hey. Nice outfit, 9 to 5.
You're certainly dressed to make 70% of what a man in your position would make.
[LAUGHS] You should know.
You're 70% of a man.
Oh, that backfired nicely.
All right. Scootch.
I got a question, you guys.
Do you think I'm... pale?
Yes.
You're almost clear.
Why do you ask?
Because there's a school near the newsstand
where I usually buyThe Times.
You read thePost.
Well, can I just tell the story?
Anyway, there's a new teacher looking over recess,
and as you know from my MySpace page,
I have a thing for teachers.
You have a thing for all women.
Not all. Okay, all.
Anyway, so today, we make a little eye contact.
She gives me the little smile.
And I walk over to break-a the ice-a,
and some, you know, jerk starts insulting me out of nowhere.
It threw off my game.
Okay, well who was it? Another teacher?
No, I don't think it was a teacher.
No?
Uh, the principal, the custodian.
No, it was-- it was a punk.
[LAUGHS]
A punk?
What? One of the children?
Was he bigger than you?
What? It's a valid question.
Look, I'll give you he was small-er-ish.
But quite mean.
He called me things.
Like Milk Face.
Albino Boy.
Casper.
Said the pigment factory called, and my application was denied.
Pigment factory. That's a good one.
He could have also said,
"Hey, look it's a little powdered donut hole."
That was a sweet pep talk. Thank you.
I feel so much...the same.
♪♪ How many ways to say I love you ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways ♪♪
♪♪ To say that I'm not scared ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denying ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
- Hey, Jeff. - Hey, Adam here?
No, he's helping Russell deal with a bully.
My money's on the bully.
Nice sweat suit.
You look like you should be hanging outside the meat store with Paulie and Silvio.
Thanks.
Here's Adam's sweatshirt.
No face hole on the hood.
Other than that, it's perfect.
Hey, uh, while I have you,
will you help me put the couch back on the rug?
Yeah, sure. Glad to help.
[GROANS]
Oh, what happened?
Ah, nothing.
It's just a little twinge in my shoulder.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Let me massage it, see if I can loosen it up.
I...
I'm not a big people-touching-me guy.
I studied massage. I know what I'm doing.
Ah, still. Touching.
Come on. I insist.
Okay, sure. Give it a shot.
[SIGHS]
Oh, here's the problem.
There's a knot in your trapezius
that's putting pressure on a nerve.
Oh...
I think it's loosening up there.
Yeah, the knot's disappearing.
So's the tension.
If you ever get tired with graphic design,
you could do this for a living.
Well, I did work for a physical therapy clinic
for a summer after college, and--oh!
What? Oh, no.
All right, well, uh, the rug looks great.
Wow.
Wow, yeah. I gotta go.
I hope you feel better!
Thanks for coming. I appreciate the support.
No problem. I don't know what Jennifer's talking about.
You're bigger than all these kids.
Again, thanks for the support.
Ooh, there she is.
Oh, man.
I never had a teacher that looked like that.
Yeah, me neither. With any luck, I'm about to.
The coast is clear. Let's go.
Ah, if it isn't Snow White back for more.
That's him?
He's adorable.
What's your name, little guy?
Who are you, his girlfriend?
Very funny. Yeah, I'm his girlfriend.
You're pretty enough. What did you use in your hair? Two cans of mousse?
- [LAUGHS] - No.
A dime-sized dollop of gel.
The recommended amount.
What? Do you keep it in your purse?
With the rest of your makeup and lotion?
Oh, ka-zing.
Look, I don't have a purse or makeup.
And I only use lotion because I have combination skin.
A combination of girl and sissy.
Puh-pow! Burn. Sizzle.
I saw that one coming.
This is a great diversion. I'm gonna talk to the teacher.
Hey, check out how long his eyelashes are.
Whoa, do you use mascara?
You lashes are thick and pretty like a girl's.
Are not.
Yeah, that's what you are. The Maybelline Girl.
[LAUGHS]
Ba-Boom!
- [SIGHS] - Hey.
Hi.
You okay?
With what?
You're holding your neck.
It's nothing. Just a twinge.
How did it happen?
Out of nowhere. Caused by nothing.
Okay.
I know what you're up to.
- You do? - Oh, yes I do.
You're trying to get me to rub your neck.
'Cause every time I do,
somehow it leads to sex.
You figured that one out.
Yeah, it wasn't exactly The Da Vinci Code.
It's all right. I don't mind.
It's our little dance.
Let's skip the prom and go straight to the back of the limo.
- Come on. - Wait.
Hold on. I, uh...
I can't.
Oh, why not?
I, uh...
I feel dirty.
Yeah, me too.
No, no. I just...
Yeah, I need to take a shower.
[GRUNTS] Me too. Come on.
I can't.
[LAUGHS] You playing hard to get?
Really. No. Audrey, I said no.
Listen, it's just that no means no.
Oh, you're using the elevator?
Taking the stairs.
Jeff, what--
He is acting so--
Oh, I left the stove on fire.
Who is it?
It's Audrey. The person whose face you just slammed the door on.
I'm sorry. I didn't see you behind me.
Yeah, I was yelling, "Hey, Jen."
What the hell is going on?
Jeff is acting super-weird.
You are acting weird.
What--what's going on?
So, Jeff didn't tell you about the thing?
No. No, he didn't. Why don't you?
This is funny. You're going to laugh.
I like to laugh.
Okay, earlier Jeff helped me lift the couch back onto the rug.
It's the rug I got at ABC Carpet.
I asked you to look at it because we're friends.
Have been for three years. Rich history together.
Not laughing yet.
Okay, Jeff hurt his neck. I massaged it.
- He felt much better. - So?
Well, he felt so much better, he gave me a standing ovation.
Without standing up.
Oh, wait--what?
I used to do therapeutic massage.
This happened all the time.
I don't think it's a good time
for you to brag about how good you are.
No, no.
It's a physiological response.
Completely innocent and accidental.
I was hoping Jeff would tell you,
and it would be worked out, and I wouldn't be involved.
Oh ho ho, you're involved.
You got involved the second you started rubbing my husband.
Only because his neck hurt.
You don't think I was really trying to make a move on him, do you?
No, no, I don't. I'm just...mad.
Why didn't he just tell me?
He probably didn't know how to bring it up.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess he needs your help for that.
Sorry, still kinda mad.
Look...
I'm sure he's just embarrassed.
He's probably trying to figure out how to tell you right now.
Yeah, probably.
I'll give him a chance to be honest.
How are you gonna tell Adam?
Same way I always break bad news to him.
Naked.
Hey, Gigantor.
I'm glad you're here.
I could use a little man to man talk.
And fortunately, you're a little man.
Ah, the empire strikes back.
Hey, help me out here.
I'm meeting this teacher for coffee.
I'm trying to decide which shirt color would make me look the least pale.
What do you think? Ash, slate, or ecru?
I'm going to change the topic now.
You get massages, right?
Say no more. Listen...
Her name's Katya.
From Russia with love.
Tell her the man with the golden gun sent ya.
No, no. I was just wondering if while getting a massage,
you ever...
Chubbed up. Yeah, all the time. Why?
So, it's normal.
Who's to say what's normal in this world.
But where did you get it? And did you get a card?
It wasn't at a massage place.
It was, uh...
Ah, you trailed off there mid-sentence.
Didn't finish your thought. I'm intrigued.
Look, you work with that. I don't know if I can tell ya.
You don't wanna tell me anything
when in fact you've just revealed everything.
I can now deduce that you got excited
when you got a massage from Adam.
It was Jennifer.
Duh, yeah, my second guess.
If you tell anyone,
I'm gonna punch my fist through your chest,
spin you around my forearm like a pinwheel.
That's terrifying, yet somehow beautiful.
I got a knot in my shoulder.
And Jennifer offered to help.
And then she rubbed it. And...
Mmm...ba-boing!
Yeah. Ba-boing.
So whatever.
You got the hots for your friend's wife.
It's not that. Now I feel awkward around Jennifer.
I feel guilty around Audrey.
I feel like I cheated on her.
But you didn't. You had no intent.
You had a tent, but no intent.
I'm just going to tell Audrey.
- Sure, if you wanna be selfish about it. - How's that selfish?
Nothing happened, and Audrey doesn't know anything.
But you feel guilty about it
so you tell Audrey, she feels bad so you can feel better.
Ergo--selfish.
How do you know all this stuff?
Proud Cosmo subscriber since '93.
It's like having the other team's playbook.
Fine, I'm not gonna tell her.
I gotta figure out a way to get rid of this guilt
because it's making me tense.
Well, I'd rub your shoulders,
but I don't think the bottom of this table could take it.
Oh, hey.
I have something to tell you.
Hold on.
I've got something important to ask.
Okay.
Do you think I'm pretty?
If you're gay, tell me now
because I do not wanna go through that again.
Go through what again?
Nothing. It doesn't matter. What's your issue?
That bully.
That bully that teased Russell, he called me pretty.
Yeah, he said I had thick, pretty lashes like a girl.
He said the Miss America contest called, and I was in.
[LAUGHS]
That's a good one.
Why are you letting the kid get to you?
Because. Guys don't want to look pretty.
They want to look rugged and tough.
You know, and...
Maybe a little deformed.
Yeah.
You're not pretty. You're handsome.
Ruggedly handsome.
Like a lumberjack. Or Ryan Seacrest.
You know what I'm gonna do? Honey?
I should break my nose.
No, you shouldn't.
My nose, my rules.
Anyway, what was that thing you wanted to tell me?
Oh, well...
Maybe we should go in the bedroom.
This is funny. You're gonna laugh.
Hi.
Hey, you're back.
Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry I ran out of the apartment before,
but, um, I have an explanation.
- You do? - Yes.
I'm so glad.
Well, you're going to be even gladder
because I ran out to buy you this.
Diamond earrings.
Two of them.
Whoa, those are beautiful.
What did I do to deserve these?
Or what did you do?
Nothing. Just 'cause I love ya.
I'm glad you like them.
That makes me feel good.
I'm gonna go get a beer.
Sure you want a beer?
Wouldn't you prefer a nice, stiff drink?
[LAUGHS]
Maybe some hard liquor. Straight up.
Well played.
You got the diamonds first.
I don't care about the diamonds.
Then can I return them?
What do you think?
I think they're going to look very nice on you
and really bring out the sparkle in...
[SIGHS] Let's just do this.
Yes. Yes, let's.
You know this whole thing could have been avoided
if you didn't try to hide it.
I didn't try to hide it.
It was gone by the time I got home.
I mean the fact that you hid that--
You know what I mean.
By not telling me, it made you look guilty.
I felt guilty.
That's why I didn't let you have your way with me.
Oh, well, you are lucky you didn't.
Why? Why? For bachelorette parties
you've gone to those Chippendales shows and gotten all worked up.
And I was happy to finish what those hairless, oily freaks started.
Yes, yes, but those hairless, oily freaks
were not our friends from the building.
I don't know. Carlos in 5A is suspiciously smooth.
Look, all you had to do was be honest.
You should know you can tell me anything.
You would have been fine if I walked in
and said, "Look what the cute neighbor girl gave me"?
[LAUGHS] Now she's cute?
No-- You just said I could tell you anything.
Yes, but don't be stupid about it.
That's my point. I can't tell you everything.
You can tell me everything I should know.
If it's going to upset me,
and it's not important, then don't tell me.
I thought that's what I was doing here.
Yes, but I found out.
How is that my fault?
Just don't let other women rub you.
Done.
Fine.
Are you gonna keep the earrings?
Oh, yeah.
Easily the most expensive erection I've ever had.
If it makes you feel any better,
it had nothing to do with Jennifer.
The same thing happens to me
when I'm riding on a bus on a bumpy road.
I do feel better.
In fact, I was actually disappointed when they repaved 9th Avenue.
[KNOCKING]
All right, pal. Jennifer told me what happened.
Now let's step outside and settle this like men.
If you could, aim for my nose.
Ow!
[WHINING] Thank you.
Let's see what this little bully has to say now.
Oh, yeah, we're looking good.
Very good.
[LAUGHS]
Wow, where do I start?
Yeah?
Not so pretty now, am I?
No, but you will be when your nose job heals.
Who are you, Ashlee Simpson?
For your information, I got this from a man.
Oh, so you like it rough?
- Ka-zing. - What are you laughing at, Pumpkin Face?
- Oh. - Willy Wonka called.
He said he needs his chocolate stirred.
[LAUGHS]
He said you're an Oompah Loompah.
I've seen the film.
You know what, I feel sorry for you.
I think if you had any friends, you wouldn't be over here
making fun of us.
I was just voted most popular in my class, jackass.
Prove it, jackass.
Russell?
[MOCK CRYING]
Miss O'Brien, the orange man called me a bad name.
It's bronzer.
Russell, what is the matter with you?
He's just a child.
He started it.
I don't care who started it. You should leave.
- What? - And see a doctor.
You may have hepatitis.
Ka-zing.
Ka-pow.
Happen yet?
Not yet.
Come on.
Don't start pressuring me.
Wait, I have an idea.
Ninth Avenue line.
Next stop, Times Square.
That's the stuff. Now gimme a pothole.
There you go!